Joke Section * Please keep them clean...

[Guest skylady]

I chuckled with admiration on this young mans ingenuity !!!

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam . One student's answer was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.





Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.



One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we Need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, ' And take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory follows:

Since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A

[Guest Mary]

i am so glad that we now have... hell explained...

thank you dear skylady :P

[Guest Bryan]

[u]Three Kicks[/u]

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

:P

Bryan

__________________

[Guest Bryan]

Qualifying for Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

:P

Bryan

[Guest skylady]

LOL

Good jokes Bryan :thumbsup:

[Guest Bryan]

Each man gives a story

 

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

:P

Bryan

[Guest Bryan]

LOL

Good jokes Bryan :thumbsup:

Thank you very much! :lol: more jokes to come..

[Guest skylady]

Not that this applies to us'ens............................ :)

Think Lovingly, Speak Lovingly, Act Lovingly

Love Making Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses.

TO make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes,

In case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.

(Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want...

The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?

(I sent this in large type you can read it)

Probably shouldn't put Maxines jokes in here,

but chuckled so much, wanted to share with you folks :)

[Guest phoenix88]

The Letter

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly, she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you"?

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk.

[Guest amcfx]

Very talented Boy

It's the first day of school in Washington, DC a new student named Dagohoy, son of a Filipino immigrant, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher began, "Let's review some American history, class. Who said 'Give me liberty or give me death?'

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Dagohoy's who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good," said the teacher.

"Who said 'Government of the people, by the people,and for the people shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Dagohoy: "Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg, 1863," he said.

The teacher snaps at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed, Dagohoy who is new to our country knows more about our history than you do."

She hears a loud whisper from the back: "Screw the Filipinos." "Who said that?" she demanded. Dagohoy put his hand up. "General John Pershing, Manila, 1896."

At that point, Jack, another student says, "I'm going to puke."

The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"

Again Dagohoy answers, "George Bush, Sr. to theJapanese Prime Minister during the state dinner, Tokyo, 1991."

Now furious another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!!"

Dagohoy jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher at the top of his voice, "Bill Clinton toMonica Lewinsky, the Oval Office, 1997!!"

Someone shouts, "You little sh*t if you say anything else, I'll kill you." Dagohoy yells, "Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, Washington, D.C., 2001!"

The teacher fainted then someone says, "Oh sh*t, now we're really in big trouble!"

"Saddam Hussein, on the Iraq invasion, Bhagdad, May 2003!" Dagohoy bellowed.

[Guest pjbabia]

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

[Guest phoenix88]

Marriage quotes

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":

* The Engagement Ring

* The Wedding Ring

* The Suffe-Ring

* The Endu-Ring

[Guest amcfx]

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had

moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.

I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk

they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of

an armored car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure

what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money:

fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.'

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood

looking for the money and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag

that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..'

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

[Daniel]

Husband and wife talking in a kitchen.

Wife say: I'm sick of you I want to divorce

Husband: You will not find another person like me !!!!

Wife: Who says I'm going to look for someone like you !?!? B)

[Guest alice29]

Husband and wife talking in a kitchen.

Wife say: I'm sick of you I want to divorce

Husband: You will not find another person like me !!!!

Wife: Who says I'm going to look for someone like you !?!? B)

 

nice joke admin, that made me laugh!

now here's mine:

IN THE WAITING ROOM

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”

The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.”

The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.” :laugh: :laugh:

[Guest pjbabia]

A man on the street once sang: "I wanna be a billionaire, a billionaire..." after a few seconds thinking on what was the next lyrics, he then sang: I just wanna stop!" so he stopped singing.

[Guest alice29]

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,

guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's

interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and

add 'es'." :wacko: B)

[Guest phoenix88]

The Talking Frog

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called

out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into

a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog,

and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and

turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your

loving companion for an entire week." The man took the

frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it

to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me

back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year

and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put

it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told

you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you

for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you

kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't

have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[Guest skylady]

Thanks Guys & Gals, your jokes are good

[Guest alice29]

thanks supermod! B)

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the

playground, Miss Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling

sweetly, she said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if

I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that".

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Smith, you can't say you

weren't warned."

[Guest pjbabia]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Guest alice29]

nice pjbabia, funny! B)

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem. His

children were playing in the front yard in their pajamas.

Inside the house the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel and the

family room was strewn with toys. In the kitchen dishes filled the sink

and breakfast food was spilled on the counter.

The man headed up the stairs where he found his wife curled up in bed

in her pajamas, reading a novel.

He looked at her bewildered. "What happened here today?" he asked.

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come

home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes," he replied.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

[Guest pjbabia]

I suggest to Admin, there will be another section for Jokes alone, so that Jokes thread can all be in the same section and every joke could have their own thread.

[Guest skylady]

I suggest to Admin, there will be another section for Jokes alone, so that Jokes thread can all be in the same section and every joke could have their own thread.

Thank you for the suggestion, but single threads for jokes is not needed now, as one Topic takes care of all of them, again, for the time being...

We appreciate your input

[Guest pjbabia]

Thank you for the suggestion, but single threads for jokes is not needed now, as one Topic takes care of all of them, again, for the time being...

We appreciate your input

 

Okay no problem...

 

A man in the movie house was enjoying watching a movie when suddenly he heard a voice behind him."Jasper!!!"the man turned his head to see who that was but he could not find someone. Later he heard that again: "Jasper!"He turned again to see who it was but still no one was there.For the third time he heard that again!... "JASPER!!!"He got annoyed finally on that voice. He stood up and yelled towards the direction where he heard the voice: "WHHO ARE YOU??? WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME JASPER?? MY NAME IS NOT JASPER! YOU FREAK!!""