Joke Section * Please keep them clean...

[alice29]

nice pjbabia! :happy:

This little boy was at school one day and had to use the bathroom really bad. So he raised his hand and told the teacher he had to use the bathroom really bad. She said ok well let me hear your ABC 'S first so he started saying them " A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y and Z and the teacher said that 's great but where 's the P at he said it 's running down my leg!

[pjbabia]

@alice, nice joke.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[alice29]

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother covered her face in cold cream. "Why do you do that?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful."

When she began to rub it off, the boy asked, "Why are you doing that? Did you give up?"

[pjbabia]

A man one day went to the lotto outlet to check if he have the correct winning combination. To his surprise, he won for the first time $5000 and was really shock to the maximum level when his mouth was torn towards his ears. He needed operation to get is fixed and healed.

The operation was successful. When he asked the doctor how much he need to pay him, the doctor said that his bills is $8000. So he need another $3000 to pay the doctor completely. So he was shocked again and torn his mouth again.

The operation was useless... Ahahahaha

[alice29]

One day the kids in Ms. Evans science class was disagreeing with her.

Ms. Evans was talking about evolution. Ms. Evans was and atheist so she didn't believe in God.

Then Johnny raised his hand and said, "But I thought God created mankind?"

Ms. Evans then replied, "Well can you see God?"

"No."

"Hear God?"

"No."

"Feel God?"

"No." This went on for quite a while.

"Well then God doesn't exist."

Then Johnny whispered back to his friend Jimmy, "Can you see Ms. Evan's brain. No, so that must not exist." :smile:

brain. No, so that must not exist." :smile:

[alice29]

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

:smile:

[pjbabia]

A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."

[alice29]

BAD DREAM

Doctor, I had a terrible dream last night.

What was that, Mr. Mariotti?

I dreamed that I was at a Miss Universe pageant and was surrounded by spectacularly beautiful girls from all over the world, wearing skimpy bathing suits.

Really? And what was bad about it?

I was Miss Italy. :smile:

[pjbabia]

The man was standing in the hallway when someone asked him: "What time is it?"

he replied: "same as yesterday"

LOL

[alice29]

3 guys were stuck on an island. One day, one of the guys found a very old bottle. As he opened the bottle, out popped a genie who granted each of the guys 1 wish.

The first guy wished he could go home to his family. Poof, his wish came true and he was back with his family. The second guy wished the same thing, that he could go home to his family. Poof, the second guy was home with his family.

The third guy wasnt exactly smart. He looked around the island, feeling kind of lonely. He looked at the genie and said I wish my 2 friends were back on the island again with me. :biggrin:

[pjbabia]

clever!!!

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

[alice29]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.

He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.

The man says Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.

First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates. :rolleyes:

[pjbabia]

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

LOL...

[alice29]

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It is physically impossible! she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

To this, the teacher said, What if Jonah went to hell?

The little girl replied, Then YOU ask him!

[skylady]

Good one, shut her up, I bet !!!'Know it alls' are a pain in the "you know what"

[pjbabia]

@alice, im sure i have read that joke somewhere... LOL

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

[alice29]

A young doctor had been treating his patient for diabetes for quite some time, using alternative methods, with excellent results.

His nurse, however, believed that the patient should be on insulin.

As a result, the patient had a few doubts and decided to ask him about it. She did so in the following manner: Doctor, If I were your mother, would I be on insulin now?

To which he replied, Absolutely not! Then, after a short pause, he added, She doesnt believe in doctors!

:biggrin:

[alice29]

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"

"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"

"Your name on this report card." :biggrin:

[pjbabia]

Just recently a new website is launched for all people who are unemployed.... It is called a Social NotWorking Site....

[alice29]

nice joke pj!

After losing another tooth, young-old Timmy became more curious about the mysterious tooth fairy.

Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”

Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes Timmy, I am.”

Timmy seemed to take this news quite well.

But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute mom. How do you get into the other kids’ houses?” :smile:

[amcfx]

Ahahaha social notworking site.

But seriously many of us are really there. Employment is something our governments should focus on.

Ok back to the topic I'm hungry for more jokes!

[alice29]

A thief was taking red paint and he was running fast. "Can't spill the paint. " He said as he ran. But he tripped over a rock.

"ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGG NOOOO I SPILED THE PAINT ON MY HANDS!" And the law got him.

"Talk about getting caught red handed!," The police man joked. :smile:

[Pavan Mahule]

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” - Because every play has a cast.